I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
