im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
