i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
