either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
