batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
