Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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