ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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