I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
