you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
