im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
