I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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