I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
