You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
