half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
