the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Randomize
