I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
