btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Those nachos came to me in a dream
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
