Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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