If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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