You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
