we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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