If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
