She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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