T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
She needs sedatives and a leash
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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