I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize