he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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