Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Two words: blizzard sex
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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