My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
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