the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
