the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
