I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
FUCK WHALES
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
