I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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