Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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