Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Randomize
