I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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