***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
They should really pass out barf bags in church
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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