I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
