Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
