Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
