The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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