seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
