My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
