Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
