Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
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