Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize