Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
