So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
