you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
