How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
