What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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