The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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