We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
