I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
