I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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