I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
