im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
