your parents love me but you hate me
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
