Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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