He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
